The Rocky Road To Getting What You Want 



I stand in awe of the fact that some people get exactly what they go after. Not that I've NEVER had the experience of getting what I go after. I did get a Ph.D. I did get the job I interviewed for. Twice. I did get the first desktop publishing equipped lab on campus. I did produce an album of my popular songs and a folio of my rags. No, I guess I'm talking about going after lovers, friends, and positions of power. I threw in the towel on all of them.

Take lovers, for example. For starters, I was thirty five years old before I went after a guy in any way, shape or form. The first guy I ever slept with was my first lover. That lasted a year, and that's being generous. Then there was that Breakfast of Champions, that cereal monogamy that I practiced throughout the rest of the 1970's. Then the illness, then the heartbreak of too freely giving of my heart. Then I wrote a letter to Jesus. "Dear Jesus, ah'm kickin' these may-yen outten my life. They's gonna hafter break down the door from now on if they want me." And I did. And then Stephen came and broke down mah door. We're still together twenty years later.

But the point is, I didn't go after him.

Or take friends. Now my experience is that you don't decide who your friends are, you discover them. Oh, I know that there are people in the world who decide who their friends will be. I've even heard of a few that will tell you they don't have time for you any more. And I guess I've let a few friends down, too. But I would argue that they also didn't value my friendship enough to give me a clue that I was slipping. Whatever. No one is perfect in my assortment of aquaintances, including me.

But the point is, I didn't go after an acquaintance for friendship, I discovered my friends among my acquaintances.

Probably the most illusive of all my pursuits has been positions of leadership. And I think I've finally figured out why I never made it to the top of any particular local or interstellar chain of power. First of all, I don't do well when there are not clear signs of approval from others. People want their leaders to be sure of themselves. Second, I don't enjoy laying coldly calculated plans to get my way that I don't share with others. I think every leader needs a good sprinkling of cool-headed calculation, including knowing when to speak up and when speaking up will not be advised. Third, I'm just a little bit too lazy in the pursuit of public goals. Many people rise to the top of a pile by just being there, available to fill in the slots. Of course, the truly outstanding leaders also actually manage to be helpful.

And the final point—somewhat uncomfortable to admit—is that I have discovered that I am not a leader of any particular merit.

I've had to accept the fact that my lovers and friends were simply gifts from God, rather than something I could take credit for. Hopefully, that recognition does make me a better lover and friend. Even more hard to swallow for me is the fact that apparently leadership is not one of the gifts God intended for me. Apparently, God intended for me to be helpful and supportive to the good leaders that emerge out of the same swirling social milieu in which I and my acquaintances and friends exist. On a good day that is what I want. 

Posted: Sat - January 28, 2006 at 09:09 PM          

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