I'm Still Here 


Riding the bicycle at top speed. 

I really don't know how it happened. I was grudgingly trudging along a few months back, mired in the mud of life. I'd been doing it so long, I really thought that things were alright. But one night in Boston, visiting family, I didn't sleep. My brain, or personality, or soul, or whatever, just took over and kicked me up out of the crap, even washed me off. I finally slept, and then woke up next morning, a changed man. Of course, I knew I couldn't change things right away, but I was CERTAIN that change was on the way.

The first thing that I did was to peel $1000 a month off of my budget. I fired all my chiropractors, personal counselors and myofascial release therapists. It wasn't that they were doing a bad job. They were all quite talented in their own ways. I just decided I could handle my mental and physical body by myself. I put in place of these balms a serious program of meditating and stretching and limbering exercises. They worked, and I saved $400 a month. I got serious about shopping and cooking in. I like to cook, and I took it up again with a vengeance. I even made a fancy French provincial meal for friends. I saved another $400. I started cleaning my own house again. I got really tough on my charitable contributions. Another $200 a month saved.

The second thing I did was to start making a list of things to do every day. At least several times a day, I looked at that list, and I removed and dated every item accomplished. At last count, I have accomplished over 50 things in the last two weeks. Some of these items have been on the TO DO list for months or even more than a year. Finishing that book, cleaning up the basement storage area, using that old plane pass, changing the oil, putting the furnace on lower temperature at night, setting up that DVD player on the second floor, mopping the floor, making membership cards for that not-for-profit organization, learning that new piano piece, and on and on, you name it, I got it done, or it's about to be done. It's amazing how just making that first phone call leads to the completion of the task.

But the biggest change of all is much more intangible and hard to explain. I finally know the answers. Oh, not the answers to the big questions, like "Will I go to heaven when I die?" or even "Who should be president in 2008?" No, I mean the answers to the questions, "What do I need to be doing right now, in the next few days, and the next few years?" Somehow, once I decided to make that list and keep marking things off of it, a never-ending stream of things to do has just flowed right into the queue.

Oh, I gotta add that I am damn selfish and protective of that list. Ain't nobody but me gonna decide what goes on it. Nope, not Stephen, not my mom, not my rector, not my friends. I'm talking back to them, you know. (Well, mayb not my mom. At 93, she's earned the right to be listened to.) No, I'm really listening to myself. I'm no longer telling myself that I have to be careful or patient. I do still tell myself that I have to be loving and caring. But I am really saying what I think.

There's no telling where this will lead. The list certainly isn't getting any shorter. Interestingly enough, I'm finding that I no longer need a nap in the middle of the day, but I do hit the wall about 11:30 at night. I fall into bed and sleep like a log for 8 hours. Then, pop, I'm up again, checking that list and going at it. Studying my French lesson, doing the recycling, making the bed, playing another round of Sims 2, chatting with friends online, taking my friend to the doctor, going to the Wednesday evening church service, making dinner for Stephen and me. My pain is all gone. I'm standing straighter. I'm even smiling. Hot damn.
 

Posted: Thu - January 18, 2007 at 08:03 PM          

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