The Un-sim-pathetic Sims 


Jim explores the world of Sims 2 and fails as God. (Did we have any doubt?) 

During our occasional Yahoo! chats, my young friend, Michael, has been telling me for years about an amazing game designed by Will Wright called the Sims . At first I thought it was just a childish diversion (mine tended to be Solitaire and then Tetris, until I developed repetitive action pain syndrome in my right index finger). But the more I listened to Michael's stories, the more intriguing this simulation began to sound. I think I really started to take him seriously when I found out that one of the Electronic Arts managers had called young folks together (including Michael) from all over the country to discuss improving the design of the game. I went to the website, and, sure enough, there was Michael, talking about a character he had designed and about how the game appealed to him.

I then moved to Stage Two of Sim addiction: I began to lust for my own copy of the game. Given my current kick to economize, laying out $44.95 for a computer game that promised only to enslave me more did not come easy. But last month, I did lay said amount out to Amazon. I got it installed and played around long enough to decide that I had to have Sims 2 Pets, another $34.95 add-on, "Thank you very much," said Amazon.

Thus began the odyssey that has led me to dire straits: my sims are unhappy! Quelle douleur! Quelle misère! But let me lead up to my wailing and gnashing of teeth by saying a little more about Sims 2.

The Sims 2 simulation lets you visit one of three cities (actually neighborhoods) and enter the houses of any of several families. The people in these families have needs and wants, aspirations, and they interact with each other in very realistic 3-D space. They do all the things we spend so much time on, eat and drink, watch TV, go to work, buy and build things, have parties, take taxis downtown, get married, have "Woo Hoo"—yes, you heard me right, have babies, and these "sims" age. You get to direct the actions of any sim in a house one at a time.

Of course, I can never be satisfied with just playing a game, I've GOT TO BE CREATIVE! And with a Christ complex, yet. So imagine my delight that the new Sims 2 game comes with a program "The Body Shop," that lets you design sims. You can make them look quite like anything that you want, with some limitations. First you give them their genetics—body build, eye and hair color, facial structure—and then you give them a personality, lazy or active, shy or outgoing, and so on, or you can assign them a sun sign. You dress them the way you want to with many choices.

Being pretty much of a family man, alternative though it may be, I decided to see if I could recreate an earlier time . . . well, the blurb that describes the family I created reads "Stephen and Jim had been together about 3 years when Stephen's teenage daughter asked if she could come live with them. Can these two guys be good parents for Stephanie while making ends meet . . ." You'll pardon the spectacularly clever pun. We did used to have this adorable, almost human cat, Leonard. The program proved equal to the task of creating a Tuxedo Cat. However, Mollie, a strange mixture of Lhasa Apso and Pekingese, proved to be too great of a challenge to Sims 2 Pets, so I settled for a dolled-up Schnauzer.

Then I carefully laid plans to move this crew into 95 Woodland, a $15,000 artsy bungalow in Pleasantville across from the lake and on the border between rich and poorer neighbors (where Stephen and I have ALWAYS lived). You see, we only got $20,000 and we needed some money to live on until we got jobs. I have to tell you that when I moved us into the house, I almost cried, we were so cute. I micromanaged us all very carefully, making sure we showered, pooped, ate and got to bed on time. I got us both jobs, and Stephanie went to school. So proud!

Well, let me tell you, after a week, I am on the verge of tears. The closest that Jim and Stephen got to "woo hoo" was on the first night when we hugged before going to bed. (Amazingly, the program did let me assign Jim and Stephen to the "spouse" category.) The animals piss on the floor, and we can't seem to train them, despite walking the damn dog morning and night and buying the cat a $90 litter box. Stephanie won't go to bed, drags strange dudes home from school with her, and is now doing the worst in school. Jim got a fairly good job as an emergency room guy right away, but yesterday, he and Stephen stood arguing while the car pool waited and left without him. I COULD NOT get them to stop fighting! It was depressing, just like our friggin' real life. The only thing in the game that seems to be holding out is the refrigerator. Who thought of this stupid crap anyway, and who does Michael think he is, getting me hooked on this game??!!

My penchant for exaggeration may have taken us too far astray. Let me tell you; I have no intention whatsoever to give up this easily. It may take me a year to figure out how to make this game work for me, but I am going to do it. I'm going to relax into this thing. These guys are going to achieve their aspirations, and Stephanie is going to end up in law school and married to another successful woman. We are going to have a grandson!! And I want to package this family and upload it to the website, too. I've done left the Twentieth Century, folks, bye bye. Bring on the androids, the talking walls, the nanobots, and the holo-suites! I'm ready. 

Posted: Fri - February 2, 2007 at 08:12 PM          

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