Family of Choice 


How I got the family I never wanted. 

I never wanted a family of my own. I didn't leave home until I was 21, after I graduated from college. I knew I was different, but how? Stayed in graduate school another ten years. Got a job, came out. Spent ten years in non-lasting relationships. Still looking for something, I didn't know quite what. Got my feelings hurt good once again, signed off getting serious about my dates.

I was pretty jaded when Stephen showed up on my doorstep in 1984. The way he tells it, I was heartless. Told him to go away, wouldn't answer his phone calls. I agreed to date him, and then, damn, I fell in love again. Then I got sick, down on my back for two months, even away for treatment. So Stephen moved in and took care of things (me included). I never wanted this.

In the middle of one night, I sat up in bed and said, "I'm calling Jesus Christ right down here in the middle of this bed." Shocked the hell out of Stephen. Not the first time either. We bought a condo, started shopping for a church. Walked into Trinity Episcopal, stopped shopping. Incense, high liturgy, processions, The Apostle's Creed. I wasn't sure I wanted this.

About 1987 Stephen's daughter calls, asks if she can come live with us. She's in the 10th grade. Can't get along with her mom. We agree, and now I have a daughter going to a parochial school. She's into death rock and won't talk about her troubles. Won't go to church with us. She graduates, goes to college for a year, comes back home. I never asked for this.

Celebrating all we have achieved in 1993, we have a holy union (get married) at Trinity Church. I thought it was the right thing to do. It was a blast and the whole church turned out, dancing in the street. Dad had died the month before, and mom couldn't come. But my sister and brother were there and some of the nieces and nephews. I wanted this but Stephen wasn't so sure.

Stephanie has graduated from law school and has a very good job. She meets Dawn and they fall in love. They buy a house with a friend, the friend opts out. We go to visit many times and have fun.
Stephen and I wanted this when it happened, but we never predicted it.

Now Stephanie and Dawn decide to have a child. Stephanie will be artificially inseminated. After much patience and hope, the child arrives, a healthy 10 lb. 4 oz. boy. We ALL wanted this.

Weeks before, I have rewritten my will so that the line of inheritance makes clear who my family is: Stephen, and then Stephanie, and then Stephanie's child. At my death, I will be cremated and my ashes will be interred at Trinity Episcopal's Memorial Garden. So will Stephen's at his death.

Last night when Stephen and I went to bed, I said to him, "I don't think I'm angry with anyone anymore." I searched my heart and couldn't find any anger, only peace and forgiveness. "You should sleep well, then," he answered. I did.

Everyone has a family, their family of origin. I'm grateful for my family of origin. I've built a family of choice, part by accident, part deliberately. In some sense, I've been called to this family by God. I have to say this, because since 1978, God has been there in my heart, with me, while I have been rebounding from these accidents and while I have been making the few choices it seemed I could make.

We just want people to recognize the facts, and even if they can't rejoice with us, at least to respect us for our choices. 

Posted: Sun - November 27, 2005 at 11:30 PM          

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