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Sinabism in Gay Men: Description, Etiology and Treatment

By Jim Andris

Presented to: Lutherans Concerned St. Louis, St. Louis MO, April 12, 1981

I am aware that addictive relationships are a serious problem in the gay community. Consider the following profile. Dave 1s an attractive, intelligent, professional person. His friends consider him successful except in his “love life.”Dave typically forms relationships with men who he says cannot give him the kind of commitment he needs. He involves himself romantically with men he has just met. They have sex. which he says is “terrific.” He raves about this man; he is different, he is sensitive, he is beautiful.

As the relationship progresses Dave becomes aware of differences between himself and his partner. But instead of reevaluating the relationship based on this new information. he persists in trying to mould the would be lover into the kind of person he would like. This, of course, leads to fights, disappointments, dissension. Dave regales his friends with horror stories of what he puts up with. They ask him why he continues in the relationship, but he either says nothing or admits he is hooked. Finally. usually after a very traumatic situation in which his lover has again disappointed him, Dave is ready to admit that this relationship cannot work. However, the separation is achieved only with great difficulty; Dave feels extremely bitter, and the partner feels guilty and confused as to why things turned out so badly. After a series of such relationships, serious depression or even suicide can result.

I have seen variations on this scenario played out again and again in my life and in the lives of other gay men. In fact, I am ready to admit that I am an addict. The addiction is even more insidious than chemically induced addiction, because there is no “substance” that one can identify which, when he ingests it, triggers the irrational behavior. I do believe that there is an identifiable agent in this addiction, and that is the erotic element within the relationship.

In this article I will be struggling to define this addiction, to describe its etiology, and to prescribe steps to be taken in order to overcome it. There are many parallels (in fact there may be a complete parallel) between alcoholism and sexual intimacy abuse. In substance abuse, the ingestion of the substance helps to sustain an altered state of consciousness which is maladaptive to the individual.

One of my friends told me that his parents always expected him to be “best,” to take the lead in family affairs. He never felt that he could live up to these expectations; in fact, his father “gave off” non-verbal messages that my friend (I’ll call him “Max”) was inadequate. Max told me when he began “serious” drinking; it was to maintain a certain state of mind: only when plied with enough booze did he actually believe that he was the person his father (and mother) had told him that he should be.

The insidiousness of alcoholism is that it takes higher and higher levels of the drug (for a time) to maintain the state of equilibrium. But due to the destructive nature of the chemical, after a while the individual’s tolerance level drops and irreversible negative changes take place in body chemistry. This was to happen to Max. He became caught in the cycle of chemical dependency, and was in and out of detoxification centers 15 times. Unfortunately there was not even a positive payoff for this agony; the initial relief in terms of improved self-concept had long since disappeared.

While I do not understand it nearly as clearly, something like this phenomenon occurs in sexual intimacy abuse. In my own case. my father conveyed to me the message that I was inadequate as a male. As my adolescent sexuality began to develop, I fastened with envy on certain male traits in other boys which I supposed I lacked in sufficient quantity.¹ Also, having never experienced the normal approval of a father, I was at once quite shy of social contact with other men and fearful of their disapproval. (At the same time, I was very desiring of their approval.) In a clear parallel to Max's case, it was only when I became involved in a "serious" relationship with another man that I achieved an altered state of consciousness that eased my burden. I was finally loved by another man; I was complete, OK. But, and here we find another parallel, I was only OK as long as I received complete positive assurance from my lover. This is where sexual intimacy assumes a similar role to alcohol in the addiction. Initial sexual intimacy sets UP an altered state of consciousness between two men, which by the nature of the attraction, is non-threatening and non-critical. And it was only when I was “plied,’ as it were, with sexual intimacy, that I could believe that I was truly worthwhile.

Just like alcohol, when I had allowed myself to experience sexual intimacy just once. I needed to have a continuous supply of non-threatening, non-critical attention of my paramour just in order to maintain my precarious self-concept. As soon as normal human interaction returned (as it must in every case), I experienced the day today ups and downs of relating to my man in an entirely distorted fashion. Any reJection or criticism from my lover triggered quite as much anxiety as did my father's earlier rejections of me.²

The situation is all the more disastrous, because before I had met this man I had developed a system of shaky but fairly dependable defenses against the day to day challenges of life. While I did believe firmly that I was inadequate as a man, I could always take recourse in my I.Q., my musical talent and so forth—or the fact that my mother did love me after all. But in this totally vulnerable state of consciousness produced by sexual intimacy, I was quite unprepared for and unprotected against anything but total acceptance and compliance by my lover.

In fact, just like my alcoholic friend Max, I seemed to require even higher and higher levels of reassurance and attention just to keep my comfortable state of mind. Needless to say, most of my lovers, not being addicted to sexual intimacy in the same way that I was, could not come across with the desired goodies. I suffered and wallowed in self-pity in much the same way that alcoholics do. ”Oh, why do my lovers always do this to me,” was a favorite line.

Many of the men I was involved with couldn’t understand how it was that I was such an outgoing, exciting person when they first met me, and yet I turned into a demanding, possessive, morose cry-baby as soon as the relationship had progressed beyond the initial “crush” stage. And to this must be added the fact that I seemed to have the unerring ability to pick men to live with who tended to be takers rather than givers., rejecters, just like my father. This obviously aggravated the situation.

And, of course, I never functioned very well in my other areas of life (job, friends, family, church) when I was going through one of these stages. Again., there seems to be a parallel to the alcoholic, who doesn’t seem to see a connection between his altered state·of consciousness and his flagging performance at important tasks. The string of broken love affairs is very similar to the trips in and out of hospitals and detox centers of the alcoholic. My friends were actually amazingly understanding; I guess they sensed that I wasn’t entirely on balance in this area.

Having now spent some time drawing a parallel between a case of alcohol abuse and one of sexual intimacy abuse. I would like to attempt to define exactly what the parallel “substance” to alcohol in this case of sexual intimacy abuse.

There are three distinguishable components in SINABISM—Sexual INtimacy ABuse. First. there is the actual sexual intimacy. This appears to be the parallel "substance" to alcohol. But this sexual intimacy is usually with a specific type or specific types of men. The second component is the type of man involved. The third component is the BFT (behaving-feeling-thinking) patterns which are triggered by sex with certain types of people.

Continuing with my own case, I have noticed a BFT which accompanies all of my painful love relationships. I have an outlook on sexual relating. This how it goes.

STAGE 1. I have an intimate evening with a certain physical type of man. I am accepting and give no negative feedback. The man usually says, “You’re very easy to get along with,” or some variation of this. We always have some form of sexual intimacy (but not necessarily “a thing in a thing”, as my grandmother used to say) .

STAGE 2. I “fall in love.”³ The man is constantly on my mind. I fill my unrealistic fantasies (in my imagination) with the physical form of this man whom I do not know. This amounts to the most oppressive manipulation of him as a person: I transform him into a sexual android.⁴ The non-sexual components of these scenarios are usually replays of earlier maladaptive games with parents or other significant past figures.

STAGE3. I discover that the man does not fill out these fantasies in real life. (My perception of the situation, however, is that I am being mistreated, ripped off by a selfish so-and-so.) I feel frightened, hurt, angry, and I begin to project these vibrations in the direction of the man.

STAGE 4. He begins to sense my displeasure. (Note that while I feel that he has “started things,” it was actually I who started the process.) The man now acts defensively in a way that is consistent with his particular personality. Common reactions are anger, fear, guilt, and withdrawal.

STAGE 5. Having already imagined rejection at stage 3. I now actually experience the rejection of stage 4. I respond with more fear and sadness. Further since the reJection is now actualized. I experience depression, hopelessness, frustration, confusion, loneliness, and desperation.

In addition to the distinctive BFT Pattern noted above, I have also observed definite similarities in the types of men who trigger these reactions in me. One common trait is that these men have physical or personal qualities which I envied as a young adolescent. Specific physical qualities were large cock, thin frame, masculine torso or arms, and “chiseled” face “Macho” personalities at one time similarly attracted me. Still another set of “turn on” qualities relate to still younger boys I was attracted to while young: short, boyish, effeminate, dark hair and blue eyes.

Finally, I have noticed regularities in the kind of sexual intimacy I have tended to get involved in. The kissing, necking, and tender fondling, is connected to the BFT Pattern noted above. As anal or oral insertee, I am “grooving” on the masculinity or thin frame. And as anal or oral inserter, I am turned on to the boyish qualities of the partner.

I will now attempt to generalize about the sex, type of person, and BFT involved in SINABISM. (I note here that a more complete analysis of the reasons why these particular patterns developed would give a better understanding.) It appears that unresolved sexual envy and inferiority (negative sexual self-concept), triggers a sexual attraction to a certain type of man.⁵ The actual sexual intimacy, like alcohol, sets up an altered state of consciousness, which is in fact the trigger of the BFT pattern. This pattern is characterized by behavior, feelings, and thinking as outlined in the five stases above. Most importantly,. the thinking is unrealistic and characterized by lack of mutual exchange, the behavior is extremely manipulative, and the feelings (again like alcohol) are initially pleasant, but ultimately extremely painful to all involved.

While the data I have used to abstract the form of SINABISM is somewhat autobiographical and specific, I believe that the BFT pattern itself is somewhat general. The second task which remains for this paper is to try to get some insight into how gay men find themselves trapped in this mode of behaving, thinking, and feeling. The situation is obviously quite complex.

All human beings seek to feel worthy, loved, and respected. If development has gone well, when people become autonomous, they are able to generate their own criteria for self-worth and evidence that they do indeed meet those criteria. A corollary of this fact is that when they do mate, they hope for someone who will recognize and reinforce these feelings of self-worth. Normally, also they hope to do the same for their beloved person.

By contrast, the development of some human beings leaves them physically mature, but psychologically unable to generate their own sense of worth. They may be insecure about or afraid of what they are, they may hold impossibly high standards for their own performance, or they may believe that they cannot achieve what they need to to feel worthy. Some of these people strive to find a mate who will supply them what they cannot supply for themselves. The irony of this situation is that their own neediness probably incapacitates them from supplying their mate with similar reinforcement.

Gay men suffering from SINABISM probably fall into the latter category of human beings. In my own case I was certainly afraid of my homosexuality, since I had heard nothing positive about it from anyone while growing up. I was definitely insecure about my gender identity, which seemed much too feminine to me. I did expect too much of myself, since I had developed a self-concept of myself as prodigy and genius as a defense against my felt inadequacy as a man. And finally I was so terrified that my homosexuality would be discovered, that I was virtually incapacitated in unknown social situations.

It seems obvious that we must look to the environment, in particular to early parenting, an to peer group influence, and to social recrimination against homosexuals, if we are to understand the genesis of SINABISM in gay men. A complete analysis of these factors is beyond the scope of this paper. There are, however, a few comments that can be made.

With regard to parental influence, it seems to me that we cannot rely on generalizations about parent-child relationships for the truly deep understanding of the individual case that we need in order to produce effective changes in personality. The script analysis of Eric Berne provides a methodology for understanding the social dynamics of parenting in the individual case.⁶ Sinabistic gay men need to face their script if they are to change it. This requires personal inquiry, however, into their own unique nature.

Gordon Johnson makes an excellent case for understanding gay men through understanding the social expectations of all men in this society.⁷ Men are brought up to worship at the shrine of masculinity, to believe in its ultimate superiority. They are taught to compete with other men to prove their worth, and to denigrate the less masculine man as unworthy. Since in this society, females are also viewed as inferior, the male is taught to fear the feminine components of his personality and in particular of his sexuality. Homosexuality is viewed as feminine, and since it reminds the male of his own feminine potential, he views it as a threat. A corollary of all this is that homosexuals are threatened by their own sexuality, since they have been socialized (and in particular, toilet trained) by the straight male for the most part.

In view of these environmental factors. it would seem that a gay male who is sinabistic must essentially undo much of the scripting and socialization through which he has been formed, if he is to become competent to assess his own self-worth. and hence avoid painful sinabistic relationships. I would like to spend the remainder of this paper exploring possibilities for achieving such rescripting and resocialization.

There are several approaches to the correction of sinabism. These are not completely exclusive methods; one may find some similarity from one approach to another.

Presently I am attempting to deal with my own sinabism rationally. What I mean by this is that I have tried a number of approaches to dealing with my addictive behavior, and I have integrated what I have 1earned into a unique personal system. This is the holistic approach to mental health—the belief that the individual can deal effectively with his own problems. But what are some of the approaches that I have tried?

The o1d adage “experience is the best teacher” certainly does apply here. One learns that he is sinabistic through a succession of broken relationships. Until one has a certain degree of perspective, achieved from living in sexually intimate relationships, he cannot apply these other methods to his broken life. It seems, just as with the alcoholic, that a sinabistic man must make the same mistake again and again, until he "hits bottom.” Then, when he is so desperate that he will try anything, he may approach his problems differently. And some sinabists never learn. They cannot break the grip that their maladaptive BFT Pattern has on their will.

This is primarily because the sinabistic person continually chooses lovers who reinforce his old patterns of thinking. When alcoholics are told that their drinking buddies are not their friends, they frequently reject AA and say "Those are my only friends.” So similarly. sinabists will thoroughly discount their friends' warning that they are again repeating their old pattern. “No, this man is different,” they will say. “This one is wonderful.” Of course, this is just their habit of connecting fantasy to physical form operating again.

Some, however, do stumble from the experiential to the therapeutic mode, because the pain is so great. And therapy can do wonders for a person. It can make him aware of interpersonal dynamics, and it can build his ego strength. Anyone who enters therapy for the purpose of changing behavior, however, should be warned that the human person takes a long time to rebuild. Advances are made in stages, and therapy may continue indefinitely before some of the pain of living truly begins to be replaced with satisfaction.

But by the same token, some people seem to stagnate in therapy. This may be due to the therapy, to the person involved, or to an interaction of therapist, type of therapy, and the sinabist. This is not the place to go into how to choose a competent therapist. However, any kind of therapy which will give the client ways of seeing their social relationships with present and past significant others should be helpful. Therapists should have a minimal degree of homophobia and an acquaintance with the gay milieu, preferably having established significant relationships with gay people in their professional and personal lives. One needs to stick with a particular brand of therapy to see results, but sometimes a change is called for after from a few months to two years.

Still another means of breaking the grip of sinabism depends on the approach of others to the suffering party. I call this approach 'loving confrontation'. This is exactly what the addict needs. Sinabist become very skilled in convincing others that their problems are not due to other factors, “bad luck,” “all gay men are sick,” etc. We do him no favor when we listen passively to his intricate accounts of his trials and tribulations, all skillfully slanted to his view of the world. If you are friends with a man whose life is a succession of broken romances, and you are aware of his contributions to these failed intimacies, you owe it to him to gently and lovingly remind him of how he is contributing to this pattern.

Just as the alcoholic surrounds himself with other alcoholic friends and others complimentary to the alcoholic game, so does the sinabist surround himself with friends who will either support him in his addiction or will at least not confront his addiction. The sinabist who is sincere about changing his life must be willing to seek out loving confronters who are either reformed sinabists themselves or are free of this particular form of addictive behavior.

The loving confronter must do several things to be effective. He must be willing to listen to the sinabist’s story long enough to become a knowledgeable confidant. Confrontation at the beginning of such a relationship will probably destroy rapport. But as soon as it becomes clear that it is a clear case of addictive behavior that is being dealt with, two things at minimum must change. First, the loving confronter must sincerely show his unconditional acceptance of the addict as a good, unique person. And second, the loving confronter must become skilled at decisive intervention.

Decisive intervention involves several abilities. One must be able to identify a single act which will be helpful to this addict at this particular time and place. One must be able to cut into the flow of addictive talk and behavior effectively. One must be able to start and stop sinabistic interaction without guilt or frustration., and without destroying the general rapport that has been built up. Obviously, the loving confronter had better have dealt with his own issues in these areas.

One of the key jobs of the loving confronter is to refocus the sinabist’s perceptions. The addict has been focusing on the emptiness in his life, and he must be brought to focus on the fullness in his life. He must be allowed no excuses. Until he builds ego strength by experiencing success in the non-addictive areas of his life, he will not be able to restructure the addictive areas. Continued focus on the addictive areas will just reinforce his negativism. The old adage “Get your mind off things and keep very, very busy when dealing with a broken romance,” is quite wise.

The concept of the loving confronter brings us to the final approach to sinabistic behavior that I have personally experienced. This is the spiritual approach. I am more and more convinced that sinabistic behavior is a symptom of spiritual starvation. I shall now explain this. In my 42 years of rambling about this planet (and some others. 1n my imagination), I have discovered that people exist at different levels of consciousness. Most individuals exist on the level of material consciousness. This is in fact the level of addictive behavior.⁸ At this level of consciousness people are primarily concerned with, security, sensation, and power and experience fears, tears, and angers when their search for these things are thwarted. People are not free at this level of consciousness because they are only aware of their desires and the suffering that results when these desires are not satisfied. They do not connect suffering with having desires. They do not see that suffering is controlled through the control of desire.

When people break free of this level of material consciousness, they experience an immediate liberation of self. They see that they are not their desires, strivings, and sufferings, and they experience a peace of mind. They also experience love, or agape for others, since they no longer evaluate a person with his desires, strivings, and sufferings. And they experience the fulfilling realization that once one gives up the idea that his desires must be satisfied, the world is more than filled with possible beautiful and enjoyable experience potentialities.

In a few words. they experience people and creation as basically good. And this level of awareness leads to spiritual consciousness. At this level of consciousness, humans are aware of the divine potentiality of humanity as a real force in the world. The concept of divine potentiality in themselves and others begins to exert a decisive influence on their behavior. And the more this influence becomes operative in their lives, the more they experience divine outpouring and spiritual rapture.

Returning to the treatment of sinabism, it must be clear from this outline of levels of consciousness that the sinabistic person is trapped on the material level of consciousness. Specifically at the level of sensation. He is striving to fulfill himself. to complete himself as it were, by linking his unrealistic fantasies with a physical, material form in another human being. This approach to fulfillment is doomed to failure. The best thing that the suffering sinabist can do for himself is to open up his consciousness to the non-material level of existence.

At an intermediate level, what this can amount to is opening up oneself to the goodness in oneself and others, and to the overflowing of beauty, mystery, and fascination in all of creation. One can simply go “cold turkey” and decide not to suffer any more. That’s what I did, and it worked for me. I knew cognitively that the world was wonderful. but it took a final commitment to stop looking at men (and women) as sex objects. But once I did stop doing this, I experienced immediate liberation.

Ultimately though, the lack in the sinabist is a spiritual lack, for the sinabist does not truly experience the love of God. If he were ever to experience the ever-present, perfect love of God, he would no longer feel incomplete, and his addiction would evaporate. To experience this spiritual level of consciousness, one must start on some spiritual path. Which path matters not.

Finally, I need to mention an organization, Sex and ‘Love’ Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A.).⁹ I have written this paper and made these discoveries totally independently of S.L.A.A. literature. Recently, my attention has been called to their group in St. Louis and in Boston. I knew such a group existed, and tried to contact it. It seems more than coincidental to me that I completed my initial thinking on the subJect before being able to locate the group.

This organization does have an approach to addictive sexual relationships which parallels that of Alcoholics Anonymous. In my opinion, the reason that A.A. (and Probably S.L.A.A.) are so successful in treating addictive behavior is that they incorporate all of the above approaches in some respect. In addition, the formal organization provides a social setting which reinforces non-addictive behavior. This is perhaps the most effective component of this approach. So these organizations are a god-send and I can only marvel at the good they have done. However, some can “kick the habit” without joining either organization.

In conclusion, this paper has attempted to define, to describe possible causes of, and to prescribe possible treatments of sinabistic behavior or sexual intimacy abuse. It seems to me that the thread that runs through all of this is that sinabists must turn from their materialistic focus on others and themselves to an examination of their own and others nature and lives, and ultimately of the divine purposes of this world. Seen this way, as a symptom of personal and spiritual need, sinabism may be a blessing in disguise.

Endnotes

1. In his chapter “Evacuating the Self from the Habit of Sexual Incontinence,” Gordon Johnson (Which Way out of the Men’s Room) discusses male sexuality as sexual cannibalism.

2. Those familiar with Transactional Analysis through the writings of Eric Berne and his progenitors will recognize the implicit premise that people coming from anything but and I’m OK-You’re OK life position form relationships with persons similar to the original parent figure in a (non-conscious) attempt to reestablish the original unsatisfactory parent relationship.

3. The newly evolved technical term for “falling in love” is “limerence.” For an informal interview of Dr. John Money regarding this subject and other related ones, such as the possible addictive nature of limerence, see Lawrence Hass, “The Birds, the Bees, and John Money,” Christopher Street, September, 1980, pp. 24-30.

4. I have been influenced in characterizing this fantasy pattern as sexually abusive to the other person by Gordon Johnson’s, Which Way out of the Men’s Room?, especially his Chapter 3, “Dialogues: The First Series Exits from the Men’s Room of Vaginal Space.”

5. I am definitely not suggesting any kind of causal connection between adolescent sex-image inadequacy and homosexuality.

6. Eric Berne, What Do You Say after You Say Hello?

7. Gordon Johnson, ibid.

8. See Ken Keyes, Handbook of Higher Consciousness, Living Love Center, Berkeley, Ca., 1975, for an excellent account of these levels of existence.

9. S.L.A.A., P.O. Box 3133, St. Louis, MO 63130. See the pamphlet, “An Introduction to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.