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I Hit Bottom

(Fade in to background Hall and Oates, “I Can’t Go For That” [1981])

Fortunately, I had a moderate case, and after a few months, I was nearly recovered. At that time I was attending a small non-denominational gay church with the lovely name of Christ Fellowship of Love, which I had helped to start after a blow-up at MCC about new pastor Tom Jordan.

(Fade in “I Can’t Go for That,”

Easy, ready, willing, overtime,
Where does it stop,
where do you dare me
to draw the line.
You've got the body,
now you want my soul,
Don't even think about it,
say no go.

fade to background.)

It was natural for me to turn in this direction for help, which I got. Dixie, the pastor, and Brenda, her spouse, became my lesbian counselors. As my health returned, I found myself once again falling in love—this time with the skinny church organist.

(Fade in “I Can’t Go for That,”

But I can't go for that, (No can do)
No, I can't go for that

fade to background and out.)

We had had only a couple of dates, when I did something foolish. Still very vulnerable from the long search for love and the confinement of serious illness, I called Terry one day and said, "Terry, I love you, and I want you to come live with me." This instant intimacy frightened Terry, and after a day or so, he politely declined my offer.

(Fade in “I Can’t Go for That,”

And I'll do almost anything
that you want me to do, yeah
But I can't go for that, (No can do)

fade to background and out.)

But I was totally destroyed. The pain I experienced at that time was not just for this rejection, it was for what I saw as the failure of the last ten years of my life—the inability to find and hold a single male partner. As had been the case so often in the past, I tried to put my feelings into a song.

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